April 9, 2012
p.s….

Resurrection happens every day in our hearts if we step back and allow it to happen. That’s God’s ultimate gift of love…that he keeps finding news way to come back.

Question is….can we stand next to God and move away the stone that guards the pain, doubts, anger, and mistrust buried in our hearts?  When we let the light in it’s an all new game. The question shifts and we can’t help but wonder if we are ready to accept the invitation to share in the “power of resurrection.”

Accepting the invitation means extending the invitation. That’s the forgotten message of Easter.

Meditation ~
With whom should I share the message of
personal resurrection with, right now, today, tomorrow
and every day?

 

 

 

April 4, 2012
even though…
 

We tend to mark certain moments in years…anniversary’s, birthdays, vacations abroad, careers, falling in and out of love, just to mention a few. Yesterday was one of those days.

I remember vividly a conversation with a mentor some years back when we discussed life changing events that result in “major course changes, physically, emotionally,  and spiritually.

This time last year, I was empty and broken…physically, emotionally and spiritually. Nothing made sense and if it did I didn’t care. God was nowhere in sight and it didn’t matter because he didn’t care anyway. If he did, he had a funny way of showing it and I just wasn’t in the mood.

In spite of myself and even though… I mustered whatever faith I had left mixed with a little courage that I found buried deep inside and decided to climb my way out of the very dark and deep hole that I found myself in. It was time to stop digging and time to start climbing. And so my journey through shadow land began. It was time to move from brokenness to wholeness and reclaiming a life worth living. No more secrets, no more lies, no more hiding….only nakedness.

Along the way, through recognizably strange and foreign places, I met all sorts of interesting characters from wild beasts to simple folk. I was chased by demons and chased by angels. I met the Good King of Shadow Land and went to battle with the armies of the Bad King. I found myself on a personal crusade fighting for my very life.

Even though…I learned the answers emerge out of chaos, confusion and pain. I realize that it can be difficult to verbalize to others. Although I may not be able to verbalize it, I know it. No one gave it to me and no one can take it away from me. It’s a gift from God! I can’t prove it to anybody, but I no longer need to.

You see it in my eyes, you notice it in my smile, and you embrace my presence. You want to fly with me. I can’t prove it to you, but I no longer need to. You simply know something has changed….even though.

I’ve surrendered to my demons, embraced them, sat with them over tea and got to know them really well. We live together now and we’ve all realized that we share the same body and are walking on the same journey. Together, we’re planning out next journey knowing there will always be the next. It’s about progress not perfection.

As I learn to live life out loud, I realize the God loves me in my nakedness, in my pain, in my confusion, and in my mistakes. Resurrection happens every day when I live my life out loud. I guess you could say: “God loves me even though.” At last, A Season of Hope!  And God love you too….even though.

Meditation ~
If Voltaire was correct and God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid to laugh ~

What should you be laughing about that you don’t think is funny?
How is God a comedian in your life?
How will God the comedian teach you to live your life out loud?

March 27, 2012
all of me…why not take all of me… 

I’m still not sure of God’s name for me. Still, I trust and carry on. I’ve waved the white flag of surrender knowing I just can’t do it all myself. Every now and again I pull my list out of my pocket, review my shortcomings, say hello to my demons and remind myself that God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. What I can’t do for myself…..umm. Guess that means there’s no cruise control on this journey? And it seems to me that my list is nothing more than a description of who I am. As I journey on I realize that I share my body with my list. We’ve become friends no longer enemies and journey together. It’s so much easier.

As I journey through my in-betweeness and begin to have glimpses of my otherness, I realize that I am all of me. I am my strengths and my weaknesses. I’m the mature wise man and I’m the scared little boy. I am my voices and I am my answers. I am my hopes and I am my fears. I am my successes and I am my failures. I am you and you are me.  I just simply “am.” What I am not is a mistake! I can live out loud or I can live in shadow land.

Yes, it’s a struggle – my powerlessness, and requires acceptance, patience and practice. I’m no saint and as Chapter 5 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states: “the point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. We claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.”  Spiritual perfection, well that belongs to God.

And so do I.

Are we there yet? Not quite. How will I know when the journey’s over? When the next one begins….how’s that for an answer? Will the next one be different? It can be if I journey through the next in-betweeness with my otherness and keep allowing my list to grow without fear and in faith..

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Trusting that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life ~
And supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Attributed to Reinhold Niebuher 

Meditation~ what if…

 What if I am my otherness?
What if you are my otherness?
What if all of my past, present and future is my otherness?
What if all of creation is my otherness?
What is the next is the now? 

 

March 20, 2012
dreamers without dreams…

So here I am in the middle of this journey and wondering why I decided to go in the first place. Sure things aren’t perfect and life is unmanageable, but was it really that bad? I can’t help but think of the old saying: “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.”

I feel like Hansel and Gretel without crumbs. Like a dragon slayer with only wits. Like a fireperson without water. Like a motherless child. Like a dreamer without a dream.

Am I living the same life that wants to live inside of me? (Parker J. Palmer)   I sleep in darkness so why can’t I live in the darkness too? It’s like being in life’s womb and is that so bad? No it’s not so bad the voices chant…it’s not so bad at all. Be comfortable.  Wait there’s another voice…telling me to journey on. Telling me to trust, to trust, to carry on…..don’t stop now!!!   

I can’t turn back. How could I live with myself? So I tell myself again as I have told myself many times since I departed – to journey is to take on the cloak of a pilgrim and discern. To discern is to use imagination in ways that allow me to wonder. I begin to imagine the sound of the wind being released for the first time.

Between the beginning and the end of the journey, I move through a world of in-betweeness, into a world of otherness. It is there where my imagination digs it furrows. It is there the seeds of my “otherness” are planted.

Meditation ~

Can I imagine myself being other than I am?
Am I willing to embrace my otherness?

March 14, 2012
consider the possibilities      
a candid conversation… 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZY3hyOug1M&feature=g-upl&context=G2e79742AUAAAAAAAAAA

Meditation ~

“Is the life I am living the same life that wants to live in me?”  ~ Parker J. Palmer 

March 7, 2012

Sooner or later, we have to admit that there are just some things in life that we are powerless over. The loss of loved one and friends, illness, job loss, weather, gasoline prices, broken hearts, loved ones in pain… These are but just a few.

Change is not easy, comfortable, nor embraceable even when it is self-initiated. “Change has long been a fearful thing for human beings…and at the same time it is a Divine opportunity. Clinging to the banks of the river may seem safe and even more secure, but life’s possibilities are truly engaged only when we trust, release and become part of the Flow of the Universe.”  ~ Chelle Thompson

We are powerless over…..and our lives have become unmanageable. Fill in the blanks…… make a list, be truthful.     My list seems to be on Miracle Grow.    Powerless is one thing, manageability another. We can learn to transform powerlessness, but not eliminate it. The first step is “acceptance.” It’s as simple as admitting to it…no more – no less. Remember, its Mr. Ego pulling you in the other direction!

Surrender to what you’re powerless over and accept it. Keep your list in your pocket; embrace it and start being fully present to your unmanageability. It’s OK…actually its better than OK.  Acceptance opens the door to embrace. Embrace opens the door to being fully present. Fully present opens the door to trust. Trust is the key that opens the door and lets the light in. “There is a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in.”  ~ Leonard Cohen   Never forget that your brokenness serves a purpose and is a gift from God. It’s God’s way of reminding us that we can’t do it alone. We need God’s help and it’s always there for the asking. He’s doing for us what we can’t do for ourselves.  Surrender; admit you’re broken and that even you have cracks and start letting in the light. Time to get over yourself and your drama.

OK…so where do I start?

Here’s part of my list…

Sobriety…powerless indeed, transformable absolutely.
Low self-esteem, powerless indeed, transformable absolutely.
Job loss, powerless indeed, transformable absolutely.
Clinical depression, powerless indeed, transformable absolutely.
Crisis of faith, powerless indeed, transformable absolutely.
Relationship with my mother, powerless indeed, transformable absolutely.

Controlled or controller? Manageable or unmanageable? Light or dark?  Sane or insane? Living out loud or in shadow land?    

 

“Religion is lived by people who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is lived by people who have been through hell.”

Meditation ~
Am I ready to believe?

~ Step 2 of the twelve traditions

             Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 

February 29, 2012
surrender…

So –  have you figured out God’s name for you yet? Do you really have to know your name before you can hear God’s voice? Would you even recognize it? Will it be God who tells you your name? Be careful of those expectations – they’ll get you every time?  Maybe you know your name and God’s voice, but have forgotten them.
Oh my…..

During the last few years, I’ve heard myself say many times “life sucks.” As hard as I tried to “fix things” they became completely unmanageable. What was I doing wrong? I’m used to having all the answers…I’m good at that…damn good actually. Maybe even the best!. And then there’s always the fall back plan: “go with the flow.”

And life still sucked and I was really miserable and everyone around me knew it …..and even the dog stateted walking away.  I was in a word “powerless.”  

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
~ Victor Frankel

It was time to ……

The only voice I was hearing was that of my constant and ever steadfast companion – Mr. Ego….and who needs friends like him? His best advice on change is “don’t.”  

“We would rather be ruined then changed: we would rather die in our dread then climb the cross of the moment and let our illusions die.” ~ W.H. Auden  

Then, like Dorothy, I saw the handwriting on the wall…well ok the sky –

The only way out seemed to be “change.” I might just have to give up my old ways of thinking about things, old ways of understanding, and surrender into unknown territory.
Oh my…..

“If you want to understand something, try to change it.” ~ Kurt Lewin

In the big scheme of things what’s to lose….life sucking? Surrender is starting to look real good…isn’t it?

Meditation ~
“Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history.” ~ Joan Wallach Scott
get out of the kitchen. 

 

 

 

February 22, 2012
into the wilderness…

I’ve been wondering about how to start this series: Exploration – A Season of Hope. It finally dawned on me that it actually began in August, 2011 when the Discern with Me project was launched.  I had a notion that I didn’t want to journey alone and that in fact we’re all on the same journey…a journey through the wilderness of our lives. Now the season of Reflection is upon us and what great time to embark yet again.  And so my friends, I extend again the same invitation.

During the weeks to come, the focus will be on: Surrender, Embrace and Purpose. If you have something to say along the way SPEAK UP. Discern with Me is a blog site and I encourage you to post your thoughts, moments of clarity, frustrations, and words of encouragement….whatever is on your mind.  Remember that we’re not alone on the journey nor are we meant to be.

What was said then is even more appropriate now:

We are all created in the image and likeness of God…a personal God of our own understanding. Each of us comes into this world full of possibilities and destined to live lives full of vision, imagination, fearlessness and wholeness. Lives fully lived that are happy, joyous and free.

As we all know, life happens and we take on layers and layers of indoctrination about who we are, who we should be, and what we must do. That new born infant full of possibilities is often lost and left in the in-between to journey from who they have become back to who they are really intended to be…to their original selves.  Too often we don’t know where to begin and sometimes we aren’t aware that wholeness is missing in our lives. We have forgotten who we are, who we are called to be and to whom we belong.

If we choose to find our way back to our original selves, we commence on a journey through the in-between ~ from brokenness to wholeness. A journey on which we experience a desire and willingness to surrender ourselves to God as each of us understands him. Remember, that how we come to understand God is not as important as knowing that God understands us. Knowing that someone truly and nonjudgmentally understands us provides consolation and hope making the journey all the more worthwhile. On this particular journey we are gifted with the opportunity to Discern and Discover.

In May, 2011, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and so my personal journey began. It took a while but I finally realized to quote Dennis Healey: “when you’re in a hole the first thing you do is stop digging.” I was determined to find my original self and to live a life full of joy and wonderment. To experience wholeness for me also meant sharing my personal journey and encouraging others to embark on theirs. Together, we can create a truth telling community. When we tell ourselves the truth about us and share that truth with others we empower each other to tell the truth simply and without shame. The end result is quite powerful ~ we find ourselves sharing the Good News by example and by living simple lives focused on loving ourselves and our neighbors. We not only increase our understanding of God’s presence, but see it everywhere and in everyone. We come to realize that the stranger next to us may be the source of our joy, happiness, and wholeness.

Let’s challenge ourselves to be three years old again and like Princess find out what we’ve forgotten about God and about ourselves. Let’s go home.

Meditation ~

What is God’s name for you? When He calls you by name, how will you know He’s talking to you?

 

 

February 20, 2012
first steps…

A young three year old girl was about to welcome home her new baby brother. Her parents wondered how she would react to sharing. Princess would have to adjust to not being an only child.

A few days after her baby brother arrived home she said to her parents: “I want to spend some time with my brother.” Fine” Mom and Dad replied.  “But I want to be alone with my brother” Princess proclaimed. She went on “I want privacy and I want to close the door.” At first, like most parents they were caught off guard and wondered – what’s this all about? With the help of a baby monitor and a leap of faith they reply: “OK.”

Princess entered the room and closed the door. Mom and Dad hovered over the monitor. At first there was dead silence. Bewildered, they looked at each other and nodded. The silence was broken when they heard footsteps and Princess say to her baby brother: “tell me about God, I’ve already forgotten so much.”     

It seems to me that Princess was wise enough and still young enough to know what she was already missing. At three, she was aware of her separation from God.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been three and I’ve forgotten so much more. Princess may well have known what St. Augustine said: “God you have created us for yourself and our hearts are restless until they find rest in you.”

Whether your journey is to the Promised Land, Mecca or Emmaus, if your heart is restless and you are looking for something…..be still.  And in the stillness discover the power of “Surrender, Embrace and Purpose.” On February 22, 2012, Discernwithme.com begins a series entitled “Exploration – A Season of Hope. Throughout Lent, there will be meditations, poetry and simple food for thought to aid us on our personal journey from brokenness through the wilderness to wellness and resurrection. And as always, I urge you to share your thoughts, feelings and discoveries as we journey together through the wilderness.